Since Joker started the moving in process in July, I have been surrounded by boxes. Boxes of things that we have packed up for donation, boxes of things that we are bringing to our new home. Boxes in my living room, boxes in the office, boxes in the kitchen, and boxes in the basement.
It’s driving me insane.
I want to be able to just unpack everything at once and be done with it. But packing and unpacking is a process, and it takes time. I am conquering it with Joker, as we are a good team. It is however tedious. Twice, I have filled up the breezeway with discarded boxes, which I have passed on to the next person. Our recycle bin overflows and I ponder every week why recycling is only collected every other week.
It is easy to box things up and put them aside. In fact, I have found several boxes that have accumulated in my time here, as I make room to let Joker in. This includes a box that I had marked “PAST MEMORIES, NOT FOR THE FUTURE.” In it a collection of old memories from my wedding and marriage. I don’t really know why I have held on to these things. The wedding photos, include some people that I love that are no longer with us, and these are things that have been part of my life. It took me a while, but I have fully unpacked that box. I’m still going to hang on to the memories from my wedding of people that have passed on, however, I have found the ability to let go of the rest and be at peace with it.
You see, you can try to box things up or bottle them inside you. You can try to put all the bad memories away and keep them from encroaching on your life. Sooner or later though, you are going to trip over that box or it’s going to fall out of the closet and crush you. Only by taking it out, sorting through the feelings and the memories can you truly let them go to move on. This has been so true in my relationship with Joker. Dealing with the trauma from my marriage, I have often found myself triggered. As I had to take each item out from my physical box, I have found therapy helpful to take each item out of my mental box to examine it. Only when this has happened can you truly move on and let go.
The boxes are probably going to inhabit my house for longer than I would like. I will will always have times that the anxiety sneaks up and triggers me. However, I know with patience and persistence, I can unpack them and be free from their burdens.