Over the past few weeks, things have been a bit of a blur. Over the winter, I was asked to complete a course for a specialized certification for work. I had three months to complete the class (which I started in February), and it ended up coming down to the wire, with a week of late nights, that totally wiped me out.
Clearly I procrastinated.
But, it got me thinking about the difference between procrastination and prioritization. I happen to think that these two things are very closely related. Sure, I can sometimes become overwhelmed and shut down and completely avoid the task. More often however, it comes down to prioritizing. Each day, I have to decide what tasks are the most important to complete, and something that is not due for another three months is highly unlikely to take precedence over taking a shower, or doing the wash when I’m out of clean socks.
If my anxiety is particularly bad however, trying to prioritize can be very overwhelming. Thinking too deeply of the things that I would like to accomplish, or need to accomplish is the best way to create a shut down. When I shut down, nothing gets done, and while mentally I might have felt “Checked Out” for a while, it’s that much harder when I come back to “reality” and feel guilt for what I have not done.
It seems to be one of the battles I struggle with the most, and that is the most difficult for people to understand. I have in recent months, tried to pare back and little and allow for more down time to pursue the things that bring me joy. In my former life, there was so much pressure to constantly “produce.” Cooking, cleaning, working, and a variety of other tasks consumed my every moment, and there was always something more that had be done before I was allowed to rest. If I did not, there were constant put downs and a litany of complaints about what a terrible person I was. I’m sure this feeds in too, causing my procrastination to increase as a result of sheer rebellion.
Finding happiness and balance is difficult. I’m still working on it, but getting better at putting me first from time to time.
Here’s to getting it done!